Some nights when I can’t think of anything to do or I can’t sleep, I watch movies. And what genre of movies do I watch? Romance, of course. Something that has a love story, but not anything too cheesy. But I wonder why do I do this to myself?! Lol. Why do I watch these movies about love and life, that end with everything working out fine? When I watch or read about love, it makes me happy. I get so wrapped up in the characters lives and stories. And when they fall in love, I fall in love. Love is a beautiful thing when it’s right; when it’s true.
But it’s funny that I am obsessed with love, or that I love love and watching love stories unfold on screen. I haven’t felt that kind of love in so long. I’m not sure I’ve ever truly been loved for me, for who I am completely. And sometimes I think the love I found was with people who only wanted to be loved.. needed to be with someone, anyone.. as long as they could feel love or feel something. I don’t know if it was exactly me who they fell for. Some people are just in love with the idea of being in love, and honestly there could be tons of other people they’d fall for as long as they’re in the right place, at the right time. But who knows. I damn sure don’t, lol.
Anyways. I think maybe I watch those movies because it’s what I desire the most. It’s one of those things that I haven’t felt enough in my life. I’ve loved so much, and so many people for the smallest things. For being sweet, for being funny, honest, afraid, sensitive.. just for being their genuine selves. Even if I barely know them. I love good people, honest people, people who try, people who love hard. I’m a sensitive soul and all I have ever wanted is to love and be loved for who I am. I think I hide that I’m that way ever since I experienced my first true betrayal. I didn’t know the world could be so cold, even when you have the warmest heart. It doesn’t make sense. But deep down, love is all I really want and all I want to give. And it’s the one thing that forever eludes me.
Over time, I’ve learned to patient, learned to forgive. I’ve loved deeper than I ever have before, but it’s still out of my reach. So until true love finds me, I’ll be watching these movies and falling in love with how beautiful I imagine love can be.
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