I find the time to say all these things. Things I would not say if the truth was that I didn’t give a care in the world. I know sometimes we’re really busy, but I also know there’s always time. Even if it’s only a little. I find the time to say all the things that I need to say, like the really important things before I leave. I take the time to write down names and numbers and addresses, because out of everything, these are the things that I don’t want to leave behind. These are the things that are worth too much to leave behind. I keep longing to leave but also hoping I won’t lose too much along the way. They say just move forward and don’t look back, but it’s almost impossible not to when you’ve left pieces of your heart all over.
It’s scary to know that everything is changing and nothing will ever be the same. I guess I would just love to know that when I came back I could find something that’s still familiar. Something, some place that still mattered. With memories that didn’t have to be locked away in the past. With people who wouldn’t look at me like they no longer know who I am though I’ve changed a little or a lot. But what scares me the most is who won’t be there when that time arrives. Some of those names and numbers I saved, that might be too busy to remember I needed them there. That I wanted to keep them close. It’s always the unspoken that stings deeper than the farewell.
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