Say You Love Me

I read a quote that said “depression leaves you feeling like a stranger in your own body. far away from this world.” Some days I felt out of my mind because I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself, as if I wasn’t really standing there and seeing my reflection. Everything felt like a chore, even feeding myself. I would think what’s the point of this? My plans, my goals, my effort? Does any of it mean anything? Why is this all so exhausting? Some days it felt like I was just living to die. Like I had succumbed to my grief and lost hope for anything good to come to me… and if something good was coming, then I was just too tired to see it through. That’s when I finally admitted to myself that I was depressed but for some reason it was still hard to tell anyone else. It doesn’t mean that I’m always sad or unproductive, it’s just that some days my lows are really low and I can’t always put on a brave face to carry the heaviness that my heart feels. I wish I could just say that but there seems to be a lot of judgemental thinking when you open up about mental health. Sometimes I’m the one judging myself, saying things like “you should know better” and “you should be stronger than this after everything you’ve been through.” My biggest issue is avoidance. I don’t want to feel it anymore so I run from it. I pretend to feel nothing at all. I do anything to distract myself. I used to run circles for miles and miles, even before games, because physical pain was a distraction from my emotional pain. Maybe I’ve been running for ten years nonstop and now it feels like I’m out of breath. But all I wanna do is keep moving. Keep running and staring straight ahead. Don’t stop and think. Don’t stop and think or you’ll freeze.