Maybe it’s silly to think of your absence as abandonment but it really fucking broke my heart into pieces and there’s not a day I don’t think of how sick I felt not seeing or hearing from you for months. I lost my appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I cried so much that my face burned. It felt like death and I wanted to give in to it so many times. I was alive but so empty. Gutted. Numb. I didn’t need you to save me but I needed you to love me. I needed to feel safe. How could we have ended so coldly? You left me when I was at one of my lowest points. I remember trying to tell you one day without spelling it out or sounding weak and needy. I didn’t want to push you away or overwhelm you with my emotions. I’m not sure you understood how I felt deep inside. I kept trying to reach for you. I cut my heart wide open but then you were just gone. It’s hard for me to talk about it now. And I was so confused when you pushed me away because I couldn’t decide if I hated you for leaving or if I hated myself for still loving you. It’s probably something I’ll never speak of to anyone because it was so embarrassing and painful to feel that weak. Some days I still feel it and I quiver at the thought of letting someone into my mind and heart. Heartbreaks are always hard but there’s some you’ll never forget. And memories, good and bad, that time can never erase. Maybe for now it’s just enough to write this out as I confront new and old feelings. There are some things I still can’t say out loud and short moments when tears form in my eyes but some days I feel a little more like myself. A little stronger. A little braver. I try my best not to think of missing you so much.
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