Say You Love Me

It’s hard not to feel silly when I think of how much faith I had in you and how I gave myself permission to love you as deeply as I do. There were early moments when I tried to talk myself out of it and convince myself that it was too risky because what if you couldn’t love me the way I deserved to be loved. Maybe I am absolutely crazy. I gave so much of my heart to you and there are times when I try not to think about love or relationships because I feel so much and I am reminded of everything I shared with you. It’s hard to feel those feelings knowing that you left me hanging like it didn’t mean much to you. It was easy to feel like anything I do is never enough. My love isn’t enough. I am not enough. I thought you saw me. I thought I saw you. And now I see myself struggling to find the truth and meaning in anything. I have been better or maybe I am getting better at hiding it but last night I dreamed of you and I couldn’t stop seeing your face today. So here I am. Letting it out a little. Sometimes I want to jump and scream as I cry… feeling like I’m going to explode from all of the pain. Instead, I lay down and close my eyes as tears fall because maybe I’m just exhausted and I need to breathe. I’ve been trying so hard to be strong even though I haven’t felt that way in a while. I wonder what it’s like to always have someone to reach out to in moments like this. I wonder what it’s like to not be alone or to have someone to keep you from drowning on your worst days. What is it like to have someone stand for you when you feel weak?