Say You Love Me

My anxiety drains me and I try so hard to fight the feelings that get me down. I’m usually in a state of hyper-vigilance and then I become overstimulated by my surroundings. I’m not sure how to just be. I’ve never felt like I’ve had a place to express myself emotionally so I unconsciously learned to hold it all in. Be okay even when I’m not okay. Look the part. Always be ready. I can hold it together for everyone else and give what’s needed, but when I close the curtain and there’s just me I’m left trying to make something out of nothing. It makes sense that I always hated going to the doctor because that was the one place I couldn’t hide. Where labs and vitals gave away all of my secrets and struggles and imperfections. Stripped me to the core and reminded me that I was human and just as fragile as everyone else. I’ll still probably never admit what’s bothering me..EVER. I never really learned to do feelings. I was sensitive and introspective and shy. I had a lot of feelings about everything but there wasn’t really a space for them. It’s like it was a weakness. So when I do open up and trust someone with my deepest feelings it’s the biggest deal to me. It’s not easy for me. I become an open book but at the same time I’m still uneasy and terrified that it could all go wrong. Love gets me there eventually. In that super vulnerable state. I finally let my guard down with a close friend or lover. It means the world to me when I can just be the sensitive and carefree and soulful person that I am. To have someone to listen and listen to. To share that kind of love and trust, without apprehension… it’s unmatched. It heals the soul.